Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Mike Vaccaro in the New York Post

Admittedly, I'm riffing on the style of the guys at Fire Joe Morgan. But I'm goddamn sick and tired of shitty sportswriting in our major newspapers. I figure I'll do a feature like this once a week, maybe more if I can find more shitty sportswriting (which I'm sure won't be a difficult task). Dan Graziano will surely be next.

Bombers Are Not Cuddly Anymore
by Mike Vaccaro

THE Yankees never did wear the vestments of upstarts and overachievers very well. It's hard. The uniform is comprised of pinstripes, after all, not polyester.

No, I'm pretty sure the uniform is made of polyester.

They Yankees are catered buffet tables, not lunch buckets. They are about blue blood, not blue collars. Always have been. Always will be.

You know, I'm not quite sure what anything in this paragraph means. This is an article about baseball, right?

For more than a month, the Yankees featured a lineup that was almost downright cuddly.

This may be the first time I heard a group of baseball players described as “cuddly.” Once again, the meaning of this sentence is lost on me. Does Vacarro spoon with the bench players after a good assfucking?

[MORE]Aaron Guiel and Bubba Crosby were in there a lot. Nick Green was in there a lot, and Andy Phillips. Melky Cabrera was in there, getting his hands dirty. Miguel Cairo. Even a guy like Bernie Williams, as beloved as he is, as accomplished a career as he's had, belonged in that group.

Thank you for letting me know who has played over the last few months. My eyes couldn't see those players out there on the diamond, nor could they read the text in the box scores. Thank you, Mike Vaccaro, for bringing this point to light.
For a good month, the Yankees were almost impossible to hate, even among that segment of baseball society that likes nothing better than emanating a searing loathing for them.

No, I'm pretty sure everyone who hated the Yankees before the season continue to hate the Yankees now. I guess columns aren't fact-checked, because the word “impossible” here, by definition, is false.

Who can hate Aaron Guiel?

Allard Baird and Dayton Moore.

Here's the thing, too: Using all those mix-and-match lineups, the Yankees not only treaded water, they actually gained on the Red Sox, and gained on the White Sox, and put themselves into perfect position to make a 12th straight run at the postseason.

I'll nitpick here, since most of the assertions herein are true. There's no need for the second “and gained,” and there are too many “and”s in this sequence. Plus, I don't like the use of “too” here. Unnecessary. If I copy edited this, it would read:
Here's the thing: Using all those mix-and-match lineups, the Yankees went beyond treading water. They actually gained on the Red Sox and the White Sox and put themselves in perfect position to make a run at a 12th straight postseason.

"Watching what the guys have been doing," Gary Sheffield said yesterday, "it's really been kind of inspiring."
Well, the inspirational part of the Bronx baseball program is officially over. Sheffield's wrist is getting better and better. So is Hideki Matsui's. Robinson Cano could be back inside a week. And yesterday, the Yankees handed out fresh uniforms to their cavalry of deadline acquisitions. The purge is just starting. The Yankees' days as cute, feisty battlers are dead. The heavy guns are in place.
Let the fear and loathing begin anew.


How about just saying that some impact players are due to return from injury, and that the fill-in players will be relegated to normal roles. And I don't think Melky, Bernie and Co. would appreciated being referred to as cute and fiesty.

Philly is a place with a baseball tradition so thin that the general manager can actually inform his ticket-buying public that not only have the Phillies given up on 2006, but they shouldn't be counted on to compete in 2007, either. New York is a place where a GM espousing such a philosophy wouldn't only be fired, but committed.

Ron Villone came from the same situation in Florida, as did Carlos Delgado and Paul LoDuca for the Mets. Why no mention of that situation, which is much more egregious than the Phillies mini-firesale?

So the Yankees, as always, grab with both fists. Within a few weeks, the every-day lineup could well feature nine All-Stars, which will give Yankee haters the bends, which might make at-bats hard to come by, which could cause some problems.

Yes, because handing out at-bats to the best players on the team can cause problems. I wonder if Vaccaro realizes that by September, everyone who was supposed to be a starter will be a starter, and that everyone who was supposed to play a bench role will play a bench role. Unless you think Bernie will cause a ruckus in the clubhouse because of his reduced playing time.

The mystique of the Yankees is a little easier to define. They are back to what they're supposed to be. They are cuddly no longer. They are cute no more. Starting last night, they started flexing big-boy, old-school Yankee muscle again. Somehow, the world seems to be spinning back on its axis again.

“Starting last night,” is the line that gets me. The only change last night was DHing Bernie Williams and putting Bobby Abreu in right field. Apparently, Abreu declined Vaccaro's offer of a blowjob during their interview, thus precluding him from being “cute and cuddly.”

So, in essence, the crux of Vaccaro's column is that the Yankees added a big bat, and that one more big bat transformed a cute and cuddly team into a lean, mean, run scoring machine.

Ladies and gentlemen, this man gets paid for these “insights.”