Friday, February 03, 2006

Sans Stats

Welcome once again to Sans Stats, one of the many places I feel compelled to act like a moron. Big day today. Super Bowl Sunday is just two days away, and the NBA All-Star selections were last night. But amidst all this was an even bigger story, which can be found by clicking on this link. Don’t worry, it will open up in a new window, so you can continue reading this abomination of literature.

The helicopter chick is my favorite. Thanks to Deadspin for motivating me to find this treasure of hilarity. If Aaron Gleeman leaves this out of his Link-O-Rama, I’ll be gravely disappointed.

We open up tonight in the NBA, where the 2005-2006 All-Stars were announced on Thursday. Yao Ming was the high vote getter, which was semi-confusing coming on the heels of a report that Tracy McGrady’s jersey sold better in Ming’s home country of China.

Yao is also involved in the most ridiculous story of the draft, as he and teammate McGrady were both selected as starters. Their team is 16-29, cellar in the Southwest Division. The Detroit Pistons, owners of the NBA best 38-6 record, had zero starters selected to the game, though it is believed that Ben Wallace will replace the injured Jermaine O’Neal.

If the best team in the league has zero starters, and a last place team has two, there must be a flaw in the system, right? Well, the system is that the fans get to vote in the All-Stars. So the diagnosis is simple: NBA fans are idiots.

Allow me now to quote from last week’s edition of Sans Stats: “Contracts are only valid [while] both parties agree they are. As soon as one party deems a contract unfit for their current conditions, they can claim invalidity and somehow escape it.” This brings me to Al Michaels, who has recently made it well known that he did not intend to honor his contract with ESPN for Monday Night Football. He signed the contract in June of 2005, and seven months later, before broadcasting a single game under the agreement, has basically backed out of it.

Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk likens this to T.O.’s situation. But really, isn’t this worse than T.O.? At least T.O. played a stellar season, capped by a speedy injury recovery and a stunning Super Bowl performance. Michaels didn’t even breathe a word under his ESPN contract before he manipulated his way out of it. If anyone at ABC is reading this and can find footage of Michaels making some T.O. commentary, I’d appreciate a copy. T’would be priceless.

One thing we know is that Al Michaels won’t be calling the Super Bowl. Oh, yeah, that’s right, it’s the Super Bowl this Sunday. I almost completely forgot amidst the flurry of Super Bowl related stories and columns. Man, Chuck Klosterman goes three hours without updating his blog and already I forget it’s the Super Bowl.

We here at the Sporting Brews would like to extend a firm handshake to Joey Porter, the star of Sunday’s game whether he make 30 tackles or 3. His quote yesterday made us laugh nearly as much as Ghetto Prom.

"We're going to try to tap out as many people as we can, I'm going to put it like that.”

How pissed is Brett “The Hitman” Hart going to be when Joey Porter puts Shaun Alexander in the Sharpshooter on the 50 yard line? Or maybe it will be Troy Polamalu hooking Matt Hasselbeck in the Tazmission. If we’re lucky, it will be James Farrior locking Bobby Engram in the Texas Clover Leaf, though Ice Man Dean Milenko would probably have to slit his throat.

Would it be Joey Porter if he stopped there? Of course not!

"We're going to try to send as many people to the sideline as we can.”

The sportsmanlike translation is that the defense will bear down and force Seattle to punt – or in other words send all 11 men to the sideline. The Joey Porter translation is that he’s seriously gunning for the ACL, so you’d better move that knee, Shaun Alexander. Still, I like Joey Porter, if for no other reason than a soundbyte from the Steelers Wild Card win over Cincinnati. Troy Polamalu had received an early game personal foul for throwing the football at a Cincy player, but in the fourth quarter came up with a timely interception. He was greeted by Porter with the following line: “Just when I didn’t think you could get any dumber you go do something like this…..and totally redeem yourself!” Hi-friggin-larious.

I’m going to close this week with a retraction from last week. I noted the absence of the Idiot of the Week because everyone we cover on Sans Stats is an idiot. Well, I’m taking that back just for this statement:

Congratulations to the general managers of Major League Baseball for not giving into Bengie Molina’s outrageous contractual demands. This is a 30-something catcher who has proved nothing except that he can play out a contract year – especially against a team that he thought to be a suitor (the Yankees). Even J.P. Ricciardi won’t shell out more than a one-year deal for Molina, which is a good sign, since Ricciardi is insane. You hear that, Bengie? You can’t even get a multi-year deal from a loon.

That’s it for this week’s edition of Sans Stats. Have a good weekend, and Colleen, please stop stalking me.